Attached to God: Finding Security in His Love

Attached to God: Finding Security in His Love

Introduction

Have you ever thought about how the way you connect with others might reflect your relationship with God?

In Steps: Take the Longest Journey by John Ortberg, the author explores how psychological attachment styles—secure, anxious, and avoidant—shape not only our human relationships but also our spiritual connection with God. Ortberg notes that understanding God’s love can help us recognize the distortions we bring into our relationship with Him. Inspired by this insightful book, I want to dive into these attachment styles, explore how they play out in our spiritual lives, and uncover how Scripture invites us into a deeper, more secure connection with God—one that transforms how we live and love.

1. Secure Attachment: Resting in God’s Love

A secure attachment is like a child resting in the lap of a loving parent, fully trusting in their care. In Steps, John Ortberg shares a story from Brennan Manning’s The Ragamuffin Gospel about an Irish priest who encounters an old peasant praying on a dusty sidewalk. The peasant, when asked about his prayers, says, “You must be very close to God.” The priest asks why, and the peasant replies, “Yes, He’s very fond of me.” This simple confidence reflects a secure attachment—knowing deep down that God’s love for us is unwavering.

Scripture affirms this kind of trust. In John 15:9, Jesus says, “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love.” To abide means to rest, to dwell, to remain in God’s love, trusting it never falters, no matter the circumstances. Ortberg also points to Mary Magdalene’s encounter with the risen Jesus in John 20:17. When she recognizes Him, she clings to Him, desperate to hold on. Jesus gently tells her, “Do not cling to me,” not to push her away, but to assure her of a deeper connection through the Holy Spirit. Mary’s longing for closeness and Jesus’ response show us what secure attachment looks like—a trust that God is always with us.

I can’t help but think of a child at a playground who falls off a swing. She cries for a moment, but when she sees her dad running toward her with open arms, her tears stop, and she runs to him. That’s what a secure attachment with God feels like—knowing His arms are always open, ready to comfort and hold us, no matter what life throws our way.

2. Anxious Attachment: Overcoming Fear with God’s Assurance

Many of us struggle with an anxious attachment style, especially when it comes to our relationship with God. In Steps, John Ortberg references psychologist David Benner, who asks a piercing question: “What do you assume God feels when you come to mind?” For many, the first words that surface are “disappointment” or “anger.” I’ve caught myself worrying: Did I pray enough today? What if I miss my quiet time? Does God still love me after I messed up? This anxiety often stems from a struggle to fully believe in God’s unconditional love. Growing up in India, I felt this acutely. We were taught that if we skipped church on Sunday, something horrible would happen to us that week. I remember friends who would skip church to attend special math tuition, and people would say they were going to fail their exams because they didn’t prioritize church over academics. While I’m not negating the importance of prioritizing church, the underlying message was that God would be mad at us for missing it. Looking back, I realize I grew up with an anxious attachment in my relationship with God, constantly fearing His disapproval.

Scripture speaks directly to this fear. 1 John 4:18 says, “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.” God’s perfect love is meant to free us from the fear of rejection or abandonment. Ortberg mentions Genesis 6:6, often interpreted as God being “disappointed” in humanity, but the fuller story in John 3:16 reveals His heart: “For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life.” God’s love isn’t conditional on our perfection—it’s a gift that meets us in our imperfection and calms our anxious hearts.

I’m reminded of a scene from C.S. Lewis’ The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. Edmund betrays his siblings and falls under the White Witch’s control. When Aslan rescues him, Edmund braces for judgment. But Aslan doesn’t scold him—he restores Edmund with grace and love. That’s what God does for us. When we’re anxious, He doesn’t push us away; He draws us close, assuring us that His love never wavers.

3. Avoidant Attachment: Letting God Draw Near

The avoidant attachment style often shows up when we believe the “caregiver” doesn’t care. In Steps, John Ortberg cites psychologist Edward Tronick’s research, which shows how infants react when caregivers are emotionally distant—they writhe in distress and eventually collapse in frustration. Similarly, when we perceive God as distant or indifferent, we pull away. I’ve had moments where I’ve thought, I don’t need God—I can handle this on my own. But deep down, I was longing for connection.

Scripture invites us to let God draw near. James 4:8 promises, “Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you.” God isn’t a distant caregiver—He’s a loving Father who pursues us. The parable of the Prodigal Son in Luke 15:20 paints a vivid picture: “While he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion, and ran and embraced him.” God doesn’t wait for us to get it right—He runs to us, even when we’ve turned away.

I recently heard a story about a man named John who grew up with an absent father, which made him fiercely independent. When he came to faith, he struggled to pray or rely on God—he was avoidant. But during a church retreat, the story of the Prodigal Son broke through his walls. For the first time, John realized God wasn’t like his earthly father. That night, he felt God’s presence in a new way, as if God was whispering, “I’ve been waiting for you.”

Practical Steps: Cultivating a Secure Attachment with God

So how can we move toward a secure attachment with God? Here are a few practical steps I’m trying this week, inspired by the insights in Steps by John Ortberg:

1. Reflect and Journal
   
2. Spend 5-10 minutes each day reflecting on David Benner’s question: “What do you assume God feels when you come to mind?” Write down your initial thoughts, then counter them with a Scripture like Zephaniah 3:17: “The Lord your God is in your midst… He will rejoice over you with gladness.” This can help rewire anxious or avoidant tendencies toward a secure perspective.
3. Create a “God Loves Me” Reminder
   
4. Make a tangible reminder of God’s love—a note on your mirror, a phone wallpaper with John 3:16, or a small object like a stone inscribed with “Beloved.” I’ve put a sticky note on my laptop, and every time I see it, I’m reminded of God’s love, especially when I’m feeling anxious or distant.
5. Practice a Prayer of Rest
   
6. Set aside 5 minutes before bed to sit quietly with God, imagining yourself resting in His lap like a child. If you’re anxious, repeat a simple prayer like, “Lord, I trust Your love for me today.” If you’re avoidant, start with, “God, I’m here—help me feel You near.” I’ve found this practice so grounding after a busy day.
7. Engage in a Relational Act of Faith
   
8. Reach out to a friend or church member to share a struggle or prayer request. If you’re securely attached, offer to pray for them; if you’re anxious, let them encourage you; if you’re avoidant, take the risk to be vulnerable. I texted a friend this week to share a worry, and her kind response reminded me of God’s love through community.
9. Memorize a Scripture for Your Style
   
10. Commit to memorizing one verse this week that speaks to your attachment style:
11. Secure: Psalm 23:1 – “The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.”
12. Anxious: 1 John 4:18 – “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.”
13. Avoidant: James 4:8 – “Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you.”
    
14. I’m working on 1 John 4:18 to calm my anxious tendencies.
15. Join or Host a Small Group Discussion
    
16. Join a Bible study or host a casual gathering to discuss attachment styles and faith. Share how these ideas resonate with your journey and pray for one another. I’m planning to bring this up at my next book club—we’re already reading Steps together!
17. Do an Act of Service
    
18. Inspired by Jesus’ call to Mary Magdalene to “go and spread the news,” do one act of kindness this week—help a neighbor, write an encouraging note, or volunteer. I wrote a note to a coworker going through a tough time, and it felt like a small way to reflect God’s love.
19. Listen to Worship Music
    
20. Curate a playlist of songs that affirm God’s love, like “Reckless Love” by Cory Asbury or “Good Good Father” by Chris Tomlin. Listen daily or sing along, letting the lyrics remind you of God’s presence. I’ve been playing “Good Good Father” on my morning commute, and it’s been a game-changer for starting my day.

Tailored Encouragement

1. For the Secure: You’re in a great place to uplift others. Invite someone to join you in one of these activities and share your confidence in God’s love.
2. For the Anxious: Start small—pick one action, like the prayer of rest, and build from there. God’s love is patient with your process. I’m right there with you, taking it one step at a time.
3. For the Avoidant: Choose a low-risk step, like journaling or memorizing a verse, and let God meet you at your pace. It’s okay to go slow—He’s waiting for you.

Final Thoughts

God’s love is the ultimate “secure base” we all long for, as John Ortberg so beautifully illustrates in Steps: Take the Longest Journey. Whether you’re resting confidently in His love, wrestling with anxiety like I did growing up in India, or learning to let Him draw near, He’s ready to meet you right where you are. I’m excited to take these steps this week to cultivate a deeper, more secure attachment with our Heavenly Father—and I hope you’ll join me on this journey to experience His transformative love in new ways.

What’s one step you’re going to try this week? I’d love to hear about it in the comments!

About the Author

Roy Joshua is a global ministry leader, educator, and communicator with over 20 years of experience in cross-cultural discipleship, theological instruction, pastoral ministry, and spiritual formation. He has served in a variety of leadership roles across nonprofit organizations, churches, and international ministry initiatives. Roy currently serves as an adjunct faculty instructor and mentors emerging Christian leaders around the world. His work includes raising awareness for persecuted Christians and equipping the global Church to respond with faith, courage, and compassion.