Humility: The Virtue We All Believe We Have—and the One We Resist Being Told We Lack

Humility is a paradoxical virtue. Everyone agrees it is essential, but very few of us respond well when someone suggests we may be lacking it. A recent conversation reminded me of how sensitive—and revealing—this subject can be.


I told someone that their unwillingness to work with another person reflected a lack of humility. They took offense, pushed back, and questioned how I could say that about them. As often happens, when we cannot handle the message, we instinctively turn on the messenger.


Later, I realized something uncomfortable: pointing out someone else’s lack of humility, especially bluntly, may have been my own lack of humility. Humility is not just about being truthful—it is also about being gentle, wise, and aware of our own limitations.


This encounter revealed something deeper: being told we lack humility is precisely the moment humility is most needed, yet it is also the moment when humility feels the most impossible.


Why Being Told We Lack Humility Hurts So Deeply



Psychologists have long noted that criticism of our humility touches two very sensitive areas: identity and ego. Dr. Everett Worthington says humility feels threatening because it challenges “the story we tell ourselves about ourselves.” We instinctively want to defend our image.


Social psychologist David Myers explains humans operate with a “self-serving bias”—we interpret feedback in ways that protect our ego. So when someone tells us we’re not humble, our first reaction is almost never reflection but defense.


But here is the paradox:


When someone says you lack humility, and your immediate reaction is defensiveness, you unintentionally prove their point.


Tim Keller captures it beautifully:

“Humility is not thinking less of yourself but thinking of yourself less.”


The faster our ego rises to protect itself, the clearer it becomes that humility is missing in that moment.

A wise pastor once said:


“Only God can exalt us without flattering us, and humble us without humiliating us.”


People often either puff us up or tear us down. God does neither. When He lifts us, He does so in truth; when He humbles us, He does so in love.


Another saying captures humility in daily discipleship:


“Humility is Christian clothing that never goes out of style.”


It is always appropriate. Always beautiful. Always needed. And always a reflection of Christ.

A Bit of Humor About Humility



Humility has its humorous side, too. I once heard a preacher joke:


“I planned to preach on humility today…

but I decided to save that sermon for a much larger crowd.”


The joke works because it exposes the contradiction in all of us—we want to be admired for being humble, which is precisely why we struggle with humility in the first place.


What About Moses Being Called the Most Humble Man?



Our conversation also touched on Numbers 12:3:


“Now Moses was a very humble man, more humble than anyone else on the face of the earth.”


If Moses wrote the Pentateuch, how could he write this without contradicting humility? Scholars offer a few possibilities:


  1. A later editor added the statement
  2. Moses wrote it under divine inspiration, reporting God’s assessment—not bragging
  3. Humility is simply truthfulness, not denial (C.S. Lewis’s perspective)



The point remains: truly humble people do not obsess over proving they are humble. They focus on obeying God, not defending their image.


Practical Patterns: What Humility Looks Like (and Doesn’t Look Like)


Patrick Lencioni, in The Ideal Team Player, argues humility is the cornerstone of good teamwork. Humble people:


  • admit when they are wrong,
  • receive correction without attacking the messenger,
  • collaborate willingly,
  • don’t need to win every disagreement,
  • and prioritize the community over their ego.


Lack of humility, by contrast, often shows up not as loud arrogance but as unwillingness to yield. Many times pride is silent, defensive, rigid, or offended.


And insecurity—though it feels softer—is often pride in disguise.



My Own Humility Gap


I must also acknowledge my part. Was it wise or humble to tell this person directly, “You lack humility”?


Maybe not.


Jesus corrected pride perfectly—but I am not Jesus. Truth without gentleness can easily become pride dressed as honesty. Humility requires us to examine not only the other person’s reaction but our own motives.


Being right is never as important as being Christlike.


The Beautiful Difficulty of Humility



Richard Foster once said, “The grace of humility is worked into our lives through moments of humiliation.” Those uncomfortable experiences—being corrected, misunderstood, challenged—become opportunities for humility to grow.


But humility is a source of peace as well. It frees us from defensiveness. It opens us to growth. It teaches us to see ourselves truthfully.


The proud respond:

“How dare you say that about me?”


The humble respond:

“Lord, is there anything here I need to hear?”


Humility doesn’t mean denying who we are. It means remembering who God is—and who we are in His light.

Growing in Humility: What It Requires of Us


  1. Ask God to search your heart (Psalm 139:23–24)
  2. Pause before reacting
  3. Receive difficult feedback without attacking the messenger
  4. Acknowledge our own blind spots
  5. Remember that only God can safely exalt us



Humility grows when we remember that our identity is not in being right, admired, or defended, but in belonging to Christ.


And perhaps the next time someone says we lack humility, we can stop—not to justify ourselves, but to listen.


Because humility truly is the Christian clothing that never goes out of style.




About the author:


Roy is a global ministry leader, educator, and communicator with over 20 years of experience in cross-cultural discipleship, theological instruction, pastoral ministry, and spiritual formation. He has served in a variety of leadership roles across nonprofit organizations, churches, and international ministry initiatives. Roy currently serves as an adjunct faculty instructor and mentors emerging Christian leaders around the world. His work includes raising awareness for persecuted Christians and equipping the global Church to respond with faith, courage, and compassion.

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